BRANDED

Well I made the mistake of showing that email to Johnnie. As she read it she muttered "brand" under her breath just loud enough that I heard it. Then she looked up at me and said, "That sounds like good advice to me."

"Uh-oh now I'm in for it," I thought. I wondered just how she would go about branding me. Would she plug in her iron and get it hot and use it to brand me with? Maybe she would plug in that thing she uses to curl her hair and use that. Or maybe she would go out into the garage and get my electric soldering iron and get it hot and use it like a pencil and write her name on me.

Oh worry, worry.

My next thought was where was she going to brand me. On the left hip like they do cows and horses? After thinking this over for a minute I decided that would not be the place because no one could see it when I had my cloths on. Well if not on the left hip, then where?

Oh worry, worry.

Maybe she intended to brand me on the forehead where every one could see it. If she used my electric soldering iron she could just write "belongs to Johnnie Moore" on my forehead. That way everyone could see it. She could take a picture of me with the brand on my forehead, scan it and send it by email to all those women in my address book.

Oh worry, worry.

Well the next morning she cooked a big breakfast of biscuits, hash browns, bacon and eggs. When she called me to the table she had a glass of orange juice and a big glass of milk at my place. I don't drink coffee. I sat down and we bowed our heads and gave thanks. Then I drank my orange juice. Johnnie passed me the biscuits and I took two. I slathered on plenty of butter and then asked Johnnie to pass the hash browns and bacon. She had already put my two eggs on my plate. I cut up my two over easy eggs and was about to take a bite. I had a fork full of eggs half way to my mouth when Johnnie said, "eat up, we've got something to do this morning."

Oh worry, worry.

I put my fork full of eggs down and wondered if this was going to be when I would get branded. I was so worried I couldn't eat a bite of that wonderful breakfast. I just sat there and pushed the eggs around on my plate. Johnnie didn't have any trouble eating. She had four of them biscuits, a big helping of hash browns and several pieces of bacon with her eggs. When she finished her second cup of coffee she told me, "if your not going to eat, lets go out into the garage.

Oh worry, worry.

Now I knew what she was going to use to brand me. She would use my electric soldering iron. I reluctantly got up and followed her out into the garage. She told me to open the freezer and bend over the side and see if I could find another package of bacon. Bend over! Maybe she wasn't going to brand me on the forehead after all.

Oh worry, worry.

I told her it was cold in the freezer. "Oh don't be such a sissy," she said. "In a minute you won't feel the cold." No I thought, in a minute all I'll feel is a hot burning on my butt. I couldn't stand it any longer. I stood up and looked back over my shoulder. Johnnie was standing there with her arms folded and tapping her foot. "Did you find the bacon?" She asked.

"Well, no" I said. "I thought you were going to burn a brand in my butt when I bent over."

"You thought I was going to brand you?"

Honey, I branded you 51 years ago when that preacher said I pronounce you man and wife." Even though you don't wear a wedding band, every woman that looks at you knows that you are married."

"Just forget the bacon for now. Get your shovel and follow me out into the back yard."

Well what we did in the back yard is a whole nother story for a different time. But I sure was relieved that I wasn't going to get a brand burned on me somewhere.

© 2003 Loren Moore