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GOALS
ONE MORNING AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE I WAS EATING A BOWL OF
CEREAL AND JOHNNIE WAS SITTING THERE READING THE PAPER. ALL
OF A SUDDEN OUT OF THE CLEAR BLUE SKY SHE ASKED ME, “LOREN
WHAT ARE YOUR GOALS?” NOW I HAD A SPOON FULL OF CEREAL HALF
WAY TO MY MOUTH AND I FROZE. I KNEW IF I GAVE THE WRONG
ANSWER I WAS GOING TO BE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE.
I
SAT THERE WITH CEREAL AND MILK DRIPPING OFF MY SPOON ONTO MY
SHIRT TRYING TO THINK OF THE RIGHT ANSWER, BUT I REALLY HAD NO
IDEA WHAT JOHNNIE WANTED. SO I DECIDED TO PLAY IT SAFE AND
ANSWER HER QUESTION WITH A QUESTION. “OH I DON’T KNOW, WHAT
ARE YOUR GOALS?”
WRONG ANSWER! I GOT ONE OF THOSE “YOU BETTER WATCH IT, DUDE”
LOOKS. BY THIS TIME SHE HAD LOWERED THE PAPER TO THE TABLE
AND I COULD SEE THAT SHE HAD BEEN READING “DEAR ABBY.” OH, SO
THAT’S WHAT BROUGHT ALL THIS ON, I THOUGHT.
WELL I STILL THOUGHT THE BEST DEFENSE WAS A GOOD OFFENSE. SO
I SAID, “YOU DIDN’T ANSWER MY QUESTION. WHAT ARE YOUR
GOALS/” “REMODELING THE KITCHEN, REPLACING THE DEN FURNITURE,
AND CLOSING IN THE GARAGE TO MAKE ANOTHER ROOM.” ALL I COULD
SEE WAS $$$$$ SIGNS.
“NOW, WHAT ARE YOUR GOALS?’ WELL I COULD SEE THAT ASKING
ANOTHER QUESTION WASN’T GOING TO WORK. SO I SAID, “EATING
THIS BOWL OF CEREAL FOR BREAKFAST.” WRONG ANSWER # 2. I GOT
ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE “YOU BETTER WATCH IT, DUDE” LOOKS. I
THOUGHT I BETTER TRY AGAIN, BUT I KNEW I BETTER COME UP WITH A
GOOD ANSWER THIS TIME. I KNEW IF I GOT THAT “YOU BETTER WATCH
IT, DUDE” LOOK THE THIRD TIME, IT WAS LIKE BASEBALL I WOULD BE
OUT.
I
THOUGHT LONG AND HARD TO COME UP WITH AN ANSWER JOHNNIE WOULD
ACCEPT. “WELL” SHE SAID. I TOOK A BIG MOUTH FULL OF CEREAL
AND POINTED TO MY MOUTH AS IF TO SAY I CAN’T TALK WITH MY
MOUTH FULL. I SAT THERE CHEWING ON THAT MOUTH FULL OF CEREAL
FOR A FULL TWO MINUTES. FINALLY I HAD TO SWALLOW. I STARTED
TO MY MOUTH WITH ANOTHER SPOON FULL OF CEREAL AND JOHNNIE
YELLED, “PUT THAT SPOON DOWN.”
“ARE YOU GOING TO ANSWER ME?” “WELL…. YES, I’LL ANSWER YOU.”
“THEN WHAT IS YOUR ANSWER?” “WELL I’M RETIRED SO I DON’T HAVE
ANY GOALS NOW.” THERE’S THAT LOOK AGAIN. MAN I’M OUT, I
THOUGHT, THAT’S THE THIRD TIME. I WAS RIGHT, JOHNNIE
EXPLODED. “YOU LAZY, NO ACCOUNT, STUPID ……” AND ON AND ON FOR
THE NEXT TEN MINUTES.
BY
THIS TIME I WASN’T HUNGRY ANYMORE SO I GOT UP FROM THE TABLE
AND LEFT THE ROOM. I WENT INTO MY OFFICE AND CLOSED THE
DOOR. I THOUGHT I MIGHT AS WELL CHECK MY E-MAIL TO SEE IF
ANYONE HAD SENT ME A JOKE THAT MIGHT CHEER ME UP. IT SEEMS
THAT EVERYONE WAS BUSY DOING THEIR OWN THING THIS MORNING AND
I DIDN’T HAVE A SINGLE E-MAIL.
I
SAT THERE AT MY COMPUTER AND A BRILLIANT IDEA CAME TO ME. I
WOULD TYPE UP A LIST OF GOALS AND GIVE THEM TO JOHNNIE AND SEE
IF THAT WOULD SATISFY HER. THEY DIDN’T REALLY HAVE TO BE MY
GOALS. THEY WOULD JUST BE SOMETHING TO PACIFY HER UNTIL SHE
GOT ON A DIFFERENT SUBJECT. SO I TYPED:
1.
BUY
A NEW BASS BOAT
2.
PUT
A NEW CAMPER ON MY PICKUP
3.
BUY
A NEW DEER RIFLE
4.
GO
TO MONTANA HUNTING
NOW I WAS REALLY GETTING INTO THIS GOAL THING!
5.
GO
TO CADDO FISHING FOR 4 WEEKS
6.
GO
TO THE COAST FISHING WITH BOB FOR TWO
WEEKS
7.
GET
PAT TO WELD ME A GUN SAFE
8.
GO
OUT WITH THE BOYS ONE… NO MAKE THAT TWO NIGHTS A WEEK
9.
GO
TO PRO BASS SHOP ONCE A MONTH AND BUY NEW FISHING EQUIPMENT
10.
SHOOT SKEET WITH THE GUYS THREE TIMES A WEEK
WELL I THOUGHT I BETTER THROW IN SOMETHING WITH JOHNNIE, SO I
WROTE:
11. GO
TO THE GROCERY STORE WITH JOHNNIE ONCE A MONTH
THERE THAT SHOULD DO IT. I PRINTED OUT MY GOALS LIST AND TOOK
IT TO JOHNNIE. SHE TOOK IT, READ IT AND LOOKED UP AT ME.
“THERE” I SAID “AREN’T YOU PROUD OF ME?” “I HAVE GOALS JUST
LIKE YOU DO.”
HER FACE BEGAN TO TURN RED, HER EYES BEGAN TO BULGE OUT AND
(I’M NOT MAKING THIS UP) STEAM BEGAN COMING OUT OF HER EARS.
SHE LOOKED LIKE MT. ST. HELEN JUST BEFORE IT BLEW IT’S TOP.
THIS TIME I THOUGHT THE BEST DEFENSE WAS A QUICK RETREAT. SO
I LEFT THROUGH THE GARAGE AND GOT IN MY PICKUP AND LEFT. I
MAY GO BACK HOME IN A COUPLE OF DAYS AND THEN MAYBE I’LL JUST
CALL FIRST. BUT WHAT I DID DO IS A WHOLE NOTHER STORY FOR A
DIFFERENT TIME.
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COPYRIGHT
2002
